It’s been two months since I had my miscarriage. I had written pieces during the weeks following my miscarriage and had let this piece go. I always kept saying I would go back to it and well hadn’t but finally today I decided to finish it off because during this time i’ve come to realize how many people go through miscarriage and how at the same time how taboo it is to talk about it or even acknowledge the immense loss a person has gone through during that time.
I have to say I have had a lot of downs but been also blessed with a lot of people who have helped me up. I know that I can honestly thank many of you beautiful wonderful blog friends who with one word,note or prayer helped continue this healing process. A special thanks to my beautiful sister in law who had gone through something even worse than what I went through and had the kindest most valuable words to help me make some sense of the pain or at least understand it a little better. I can’t believe how much this affected me and how much help I needed to heal(even though I still feel like a piece of my heart is missing and don’t know if I will ever be the same)
During this time I came up with a list of things you should try not to say to someone that has experience a miscarriage or loss. It is very easy to want to say certain things or to try to help but sometimes words and actions may do more harm than good.
Things not to say to someone who has had a miscarriage:
- At least it was early in the pregnancy. I hate to break it to everyone but it hurts no matter what point in the pregnancy it happen. When someone becomes pregnant you aren’t only given the news that a new life is forming inside of you,but you also begin to grow hopes,dreams and expectations in your heart. Even if you had taken the pregnancy test the day before when someone looses a baby there is a a sense of loss.
- Everything happens for a reason. As well meaning as this one sounds the fact
- But you have other kids! If you only had one eye wouldn’t you miss the other? My children are my children
- Something was probably wrong with the baby.
- Don’t cry!
- Or when people just “naturally”expect you to have moved on after a few days.
- Did you carry one of the kids?or did you carry something heavy?
- At least it wasn’t older
- Why are you still sad? You need to move on!
- You just need to stay busy and get your mind off of things.
People have good intentions when saying these things to you but they don’t realize how much these words still hurt. A person’s a person no matter how small and their loss is big no matter how far along you were. Unfortunately unless you personally go through this pain the hurt in a persons heart is unexplainable. Even your spouse will not understand what you are going through because they don’t live through the event the way you do and it can lead to pain on ones part due to lack of understanding.
So if you know someone who has lost a child,had a miscarriage or lost a baby at birth, understand that the feelings are very profound and deep and sometimes silence and a reassuring hug is all they need. Offer to help with dinner, help them watch the kids, give them a few moments break because sadly this is the one episode in which the grief is big but the compassion is small.